The Hoormaister’s Handbook


Scott Simpson

Category Humour
Pub Date October 2006
ISBN 1845021231
Extent 128 pp.
Price £5.99
Format 198mm x 129mm, paperback
Plate/Illustrations



Are you looking to settle down? To find that one person who could complete you? To live out your days in their familiar embrace? Then this book will do you no earthly good at all.

But if you want the type of girl who raises more wood than the average Brazilian logger can raze; if you’re looking for girls with loose morals and even looser knicker elastic; if you’d like a bit less bed in your notch-post: then The Hoormaister’s Handbook will explain, in a frank, honest and, in many cases, downright offensive way, exactly how to increase your chances of pulling by drastically minimising your standards.

Scott Simpson endangers the health and morals of an entire nation by lifting the lid on the secret and often sordid world of the Hoormaister. A world in which the slapper is loved rather than loathed, celebrated instead of shunned and revered instead of reviled. So if you find that your pick-up lines have a tendency to flatline and your feeble attempts to break the ice inevitably lead to a broken nose, then look no further. The Hoormaister’s Handbook will turn your love life around and give you dominion over, if not the fairer sex, then at least the fair-enough sex.

AUTHOR INFORMATION Scott Simpson is the author of the hugely successful Scottish slang phrasebooks Shut Yer Pus and A Smack in the Pus.